Running In Circles

My grandmother passed away. It wasn't sudden, but it wasn't not sudden either. I'm sad, but I accept that it's natural for grandparents to pass away. I mean, she did live 79 pretty great years.

I learned early this week that she had been hospitalized. It turns out she had aggressive cancer and not so long to live. My mom said she wanted to speak to me and I have to admit, I was scared. She told me she loved me, she's so proud of me, and she'd always be with me in everything I do. That last part got me. I'm not much of a crier, at least not in front of people, but at that moment, for the first time in a long time, I completely broke down. My mom got back on the phone and then she started crying too.

After I hung up the phone and wiped my eyes I replayed what she has said, "I will always be with you." And I thought, 'she really always has...'

My grandmother basically raised my mom and my aunt as a single parent. My grandfather left her when my mom was young. They lived over a bar and my grandmother worked for the bus company and took college classes at night. This is back when women could not have a bank account in their name, so I can only imagine the hurdles she faced as a single mother. But she did it. She raised two amazing women as well. My amazing mother, and my aunt, who may be the most intelligent person I have ever known. So as a child, a young adult, and now an actual adult, my grandmother's struggle, her hurdles and her achievements have always been in my mind when my own lofty goals seemed out of reach. For that, I am eternally grateful.

So now what? Well, this whole experience has forced me to take a look at my life in a different way. I am constantly analyzing me and my choices, but through my own eyes as a 31 year old women. Now I look at my life through the eyes of me as an 79 year old woman, and I'm not sure I like what I see.

My favorite thing to do, in the world, is sit outside and read a book with my little dog. But on my deathbed, will I really want to reminisce about all the great books I've read? Probably not. I'm great at goal setting. I have a ten-year plan, a five-year plan, a one-year plan... and while I think these are important, there's something missing. I need to plan more fun. I moved to CA because I love the beach and I haven't been in months. I used to hike weekly and now almost never. I need a bucket list.  In all my planning I focused solely on professional success and completely ignored life experience. I want and need more life experiences.

I understand that I may have to sacrifice some naps and I'm okay with that. I also understand that my irrational fear of almost everything may provide some hurdles, and I'm okay with that too. Because, without life's hurdles, we're all just running in circles anyway.

RIP Grandma <3 Disney