Everything you could ever want to know about a woman....

...is right there in her closet.

In reviewing my wall sized closet I realized just how much of me my closet can disclose.  I have to believe these rules, for the most part anyway, hold true for women everywhere. 

Platform heels and/or stilettos: Either she is very short, or a SATC (Sex And The City) loving masochist. These shoes do not exist for comfort.  They are for beauty and style and serve no rational purpose beyond aesthetic appeal. 

Tennis Shoes: Dirty tennis shoes means she's an outdoor kinda girl.  She doesn't mind treading through dirt and breathing in the city smog. Perfectly clean tennis shoes means she's probably more of a gym rat. She prefers to spend hours on the elliptical while watching the Real Housewives. 

Flats: Your girl appreciates comfort. Or she's incredibly tall and insecure about her height. 

Short/tight/small dresses: This girl likes attention in any form she can get it; think Courtney Stodden meets any Kardashian. A closet full of tiny dresses that cover only the parts of a woman that must be legally covered in public generally mean daddy issues. 

Long, flowy, moxie dresses: Another comfort seeker. She'd rather be pretty than sexy and she'd rather that not be her most admirable quality. 

Pantsuits: This one has worked long and hard to establish herself in a man's world and she's not about the let fashion disrupt her success. She's probably in some high-stress power position like a CEO or an attorney and you will never be as important as her career. 

Lingerie (more than necessary): Most average women like to keep a few select items around for special occasions or when they need to guarantee the end of a drought. More than a few, and matching boas, means you're probably dating a stripper. Or a hooker. 

Furs and/or minks: She's either an AARP member or a "gold-digger." Most girls don't wear fur anymore. If the closet is also full of Manolos and she is not independently wealthy there's a red flag for you. Even if she is fiscally successful, appearance and perception of others is very important to her. So if it isn't to you, it's not going to work out. 

Leather: One leather jacket and a cute pair of pleather shorts is normal but a closet full of leather means your girl probably likes girls. Sorry. 

Polo shirts: See above. 

Whips, chains, ball-gags and furry handcuffs: You've entered the dungeon.  Unless you like to give or receive a safe amount of pain you better run and run fast. 

Earthquake survival kit: This girl is probably a bit paranoid and likes to plan ahead. She's probably a Virgo. She's probably me. 

Obviously there are exceptions to every rule but these figures should be generally accurate.  For more information, find the "intimates" drawer. Just make sure you're ready for what you may find.