Apologies for the hiatus. Specifically, I apologize to all my fans in Russia. <Shout out to Russia!> When I first began this blog (well, re-began anyway) I had just exited a pretty lengthy relationship and I used this platform as a method to heal. I did heal and I learned an interesting lesson as well:
The Ex and I were together for four years and we were good friends before that. When the relationship ended, I truly believed I was over it, and him, and ready to move forward with my life. I was half right. I was over, and still am "over" the Ex. He's not a bad person but he's not the person for me. That was hard to accept but I did and that's all. Where I went wrong was assuming I was over the "relationship" which turns out to be a different struggle all together. This was not a bad relationship. Obviously it was not perfect, but it was not bad either. No one was abused or neglected. In actuality, we were best friends; confidants; partners. Every decision I made was discussed with him first, and vice versa. Now, I know what you're thinking, 'Disney! How could you be so codependent?' Relax. I wasn't. Dependent is such an overused word. His input wasn't something I needed, it was something I wanted. I loved and respected him. So while I successfully emotionally detached from the person, I failed to grieve the loss of the relationship. It's not easy to go from a partner to a single. Losing a friend is hard; losing a best friend and lover is much more difficult. It's not the person, per se, it's the attachment that I miss. Don't get me wrong, I still make my own decisions and I will for the rest of my life, but I do miss having that person that cares what those decisions are.
That said, the blog was a success. Although I still miss the partnership, I have grieved and, this time, I really am over it. So where have you been, Disney? Well, figuring all this out, for starters, and then figuring out what to do next. I began this as a "comedic dating blog" and I haven't written because I haven't had much to say. Yes, I'm still dating. That area of my life is quite normal, as far as normal goes. I haven't met any truly unusual men (or women) and I have met a couple really great men (not so many women). If these suitors turn into something significant, don't worry, you'll be the first to know.
So, here's what else I have been up to. In case you haven't heard, I lost two grandmother's this month. My only two, actually, and now I am grandmother-less. It's sad and I'm sad, but I accept that this is how life goes. Per usually, I have tried to find the positive in all this. It took a minute, but I think I got it: I want to live. I spent weeks going through my grandmothers' things, reviewing their lives and the one thing I found most common was their ability to live. I haven't been living. I've been going through the motions, breathing in and out, but I haven't been really living. I wrote an entire post on my resolution to think positive but I failed to act on it. So that's what I've been up to - living.
I decided I was to redecorate. I've been sanding and painting and learning all sorts of labor-intensive tips and tricks. I'm a regular at Home Depot. A month ago, I can say I didn't own a toolbox and now I have a full toolbox and I know how to use almost everything in it!
I decided to cook. My mom can't cook and she's quite happy so I figured this wasn't a skill I needed or wanted either. I was wrong. I care more about my health now and I want to know what I'm putting in my body. That means no Big Macs, no matter how delicious.
I go to the gym. I've had a gym membership for years that I failed to use. I thought "being a member" was enough. It's not. I have never lifted a weight in my life. The idea of picking up heavy things just to put them down again seemed insane. Literally, institution-worthy insane. Now, I lift weights (not much weight) and every day I get a little bit stronger.
I hike. I've always loved hiking. I did not love the waking-up and making-myself-do-it part. I still don't adore that part of the process but being at the top of a canyon, in Los Angeles, looking over this big bad city when the sun first comes up has turned into one of my very favorite things. My lil dog loves it too.
I live. Everyday I make an effort to do something outside my ordinary routine. I've spent a lot of time planning and preparing for what I want in life and very little time enjoying what I have. I have time, more than most people anyway. I have freedom, no dependents to worry about yet. I have health and energy that I want to take advantage of, and maintain that as long as I can. Some day I want to have children. And I want to have grandchildren. And I want to be present in their lives so they can enjoy the story of my life as I did my grandmothers. In a nutshell, I'm writing a story. My story.
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