Christmas - The Scary Truth

Disclaimer: This is not meant to offend any person, religion, or rapist. Take a xanex with your eggnog and relax. 

For the record, I'm not Christian. My beliefs most resemble Buddhist  philosophy, I guess, but I choose not to claim membership to any organized religious group. Especially the really scary ones. *cough* Catholics *cough* But in an attempt to make my upbringing seem normal my mother forced me to attend a UCC church for many years. That's right, Disney has been to church. That's United Church of Christ for those that are unfamiliar. It's similar to protestant, I believe, another branch under the christian realm. We learned all about Jesus and what not but I was young so we didn't get into the really good stuff. I was baptized as an infant and I attended Sunday School every week. I even completed confirmation, if you can believe it, when I was twelve, and took communion for the first and last time. To be honest the whole "body and blood of Christ" thing really freaked me out. Still does.

Anyway, another interesting fact about my childhood is that my mother had my brothers when I was around ten years old. Because I was highly intelligent, and had an abnormal sexual curiosity, I knew how babies were made and I knew it had nothing to do with placing an order with a local stork. This led to some extreme conflict when the study of Jesus came up.

I understood that Jesus was God's son; that God chose the "virgin" Mary to be his mother. I also understood that Mary was married and wondered how Joseph felt about this whole situation. I had a Jerry Springer conflict in my head.  I had a step-dad at this point so I thought I could relate to the poor Jesus and his nontraditional upbringing. One day, I asked my mom point blank about the affair. She was also my Sunday school teacher. Seriously, Disney's mom was a Sunday school teacher. That's when she explained "immaculate conception" to me for the very first time. I've had nightmares ever since.

See, as a young woman my mother did not hesitate to explain to me the ramifications of intercourse and proper protective measures. I was on birth control before my "first" even knew he had a chance. So the idea that anyone, or any deity for that matter, could just decide to knock me up, doesn't sit well with me. I'm a feminist for goodness sake. I'm a strong supporter of reproductive choice as well. I don't recall any stories about any men having to raise illegitimate children. It just seems so unfair. Although, when it comes to women, nothing in Christianity is very fair. Still, the idea that poor Mary had no control over the situation really burns me up. And the idea that she was a married virgin just makes me laugh. Isn't that why Christians get married? So they can finally do it without having to take a scalding shower of guilt after?

Anyway, it's the idea of this immaculate rape that really pushed me away from Christianity all together. There are, of course, many other reasons, but this is the biggie.

However, I still celebrate Christmas. What? How could you? - Oh, stop. I celebrate the Americanized Christmas. The Santas and the Raindeer and the giving and receiving of presents. Who doesn't love presents? I also celebrate the fact that this one time a year people, for the most part, act a little less selfish, and may even take a moment to appreciate all the loving people in their lives. That's what Christmas means to me. And I have to say, even as I type, it sounds way more pleasant than some poor married woman that never gets laid, getting knocked up by a stranger, and then a parade of people want to fawn over the infant while her poor husband has to stand by and act proud. Joseph sure was a stand-up guy.