In an attempt to follow through on my plan to enjoy life more and plan life less I've thought up a few tasks that I hope to achieve at some point while I'm breathing. Some I may do this week, some may take a little longer, but I hope to satisfy each at some point in my (hopefully very long) lifetime.
Raise children - I don't need to supply the farm with slave laborers but I would like to see the world from the eyes of a mini-Disney and help them learn and grow in it.
Get married - I have no desire in making any oath to any diety but I do admire those that love and respect each other so much they want to celebrate and share that with their closest family and friends.
Parasailing - I love the tourist ads with happy parasailers flying in the air, although my extreme fear of the ocean has kept me from trying.
Snorkling - also hampered by my fear of the massive body of saltwater full of creatures I can't identify that don't require oxygen and want to eat me alive.
Shoot a gun - I don't wish to join the NRA or anything but I would like to be comfortable in the presence of a firearm.
Go to Europe - I will do this. Some day.
Have sex in public - I can't say I've never done this but I can say I've never done this for the pure excitement of it, as opposed to just being an inebriated mass of hormones.
4.24.2013
3.31.2013
It's okay to get laid on Easter.
If I told you I knew a guy that died, his body was locked in a stone mausoleum, and a few days later he rose from the dead and escaped the stone vault you'd tell me I was crazy. Unless, of course, we're at church, and then you'd say you know him too.
The story of the resurrection of christ is definitely baffling. I mean, I'm a logical thinker and this just ain't logical. What is logical? Someone had too much blood wine and wandered into a cave to pass out.
That fact is this "holiday" is just another stolen ritual from the poor Pagans. Those early Christians were not too original... This also explains where the bunnies and eggs come from as I do not recall their inclusion in my reading of the Old Testament. The best explanation I've found is that Easter refers to the pagan festival of Astarte, also known as 'Ishtar' and pronounced 'Easter'. The festival was held in late around the time of the Passover. Originally, it was a celebration of the earth's regenerating itself after the winter season. It's no secret that the Pagans cared more about feeding the people than murdering them on crosses and such. The festival involved the celebration of fertility and reproduction which is why the common symbols of Easter were the rabbit and (for obvious reasons) the egg.
So the only true way of celebrating this special day, in Disney's opinion, is to make babies. Hunting for eggs takes on a whole new meaning, right? That's right. Fertilize, or get fertilized, or just practice if you're not quite ready for a lifetime commitment of parenting. It's okay... it's Easter!
The story of the resurrection of christ is definitely baffling. I mean, I'm a logical thinker and this just ain't logical. What is logical? Someone had too much blood wine and wandered into a cave to pass out.
That fact is this "holiday" is just another stolen ritual from the poor Pagans. Those early Christians were not too original... This also explains where the bunnies and eggs come from as I do not recall their inclusion in my reading of the Old Testament. The best explanation I've found is that Easter refers to the pagan festival of Astarte, also known as 'Ishtar' and pronounced 'Easter'. The festival was held in late around the time of the Passover. Originally, it was a celebration of the earth's regenerating itself after the winter season. It's no secret that the Pagans cared more about feeding the people than murdering them on crosses and such. The festival involved the celebration of fertility and reproduction which is why the common symbols of Easter were the rabbit and (for obvious reasons) the egg.
So the only true way of celebrating this special day, in Disney's opinion, is to make babies. Hunting for eggs takes on a whole new meaning, right? That's right. Fertilize, or get fertilized, or just practice if you're not quite ready for a lifetime commitment of parenting. It's okay... it's Easter!
3.15.2013
Running In Circles
My grandmother passed away. It wasn't sudden, but it wasn't not sudden either. I'm sad, but I accept that it's natural for grandparents to pass away. I mean, she did live 79 pretty great years.
I learned early this week that she had been hospitalized. It turns out she had aggressive cancer and not so long to live. My mom said she wanted to speak to me and I have to admit, I was scared. She told me she loved me, she's so proud of me, and she'd always be with me in everything I do. That last part got me. I'm not much of a crier, at least not in front of people, but at that moment, for the first time in a long time, I completely broke down. My mom got back on the phone and then she started crying too.
After I hung up the phone and wiped my eyes I replayed what she has said, "I will always be with you." And I thought, 'she really always has...'
My grandmother basically raised my mom and my aunt as a single parent. My grandfather left her when my mom was young. They lived over a bar and my grandmother worked for the bus company and took college classes at night. This is back when women could not have a bank account in their name, so I can only imagine the hurdles she faced as a single mother. But she did it. She raised two amazing women as well. My amazing mother, and my aunt, who may be the most intelligent person I have ever known. So as a child, a young adult, and now an actual adult, my grandmother's struggle, her hurdles and her achievements have always been in my mind when my own lofty goals seemed out of reach. For that, I am eternally grateful.
So now what? Well, this whole experience has forced me to take a look at my life in a different way. I am constantly analyzing me and my choices, but through my own eyes as a 31 year old women. Now I look at my life through the eyes of me as an 79 year old woman, and I'm not sure I like what I see.
My favorite thing to do, in the world, is sit outside and read a book with my little dog. But on my deathbed, will I really want to reminisce about all the great books I've read? Probably not. I'm great at goal setting. I have a ten-year plan, a five-year plan, a one-year plan... and while I think these are important, there's something missing. I need to plan more fun. I moved to CA because I love the beach and I haven't been in months. I used to hike weekly and now almost never. I need a bucket list. In all my planning I focused solely on professional success and completely ignored life experience. I want and need more life experiences.
I understand that I may have to sacrifice some naps and I'm okay with that. I also understand that my irrational fear of almost everything may provide some hurdles, and I'm okay with that too. Because, without life's hurdles, we're all just running in circles anyway.
RIP Grandma <3 Disney
I learned early this week that she had been hospitalized. It turns out she had aggressive cancer and not so long to live. My mom said she wanted to speak to me and I have to admit, I was scared. She told me she loved me, she's so proud of me, and she'd always be with me in everything I do. That last part got me. I'm not much of a crier, at least not in front of people, but at that moment, for the first time in a long time, I completely broke down. My mom got back on the phone and then she started crying too.
After I hung up the phone and wiped my eyes I replayed what she has said, "I will always be with you." And I thought, 'she really always has...'
My grandmother basically raised my mom and my aunt as a single parent. My grandfather left her when my mom was young. They lived over a bar and my grandmother worked for the bus company and took college classes at night. This is back when women could not have a bank account in their name, so I can only imagine the hurdles she faced as a single mother. But she did it. She raised two amazing women as well. My amazing mother, and my aunt, who may be the most intelligent person I have ever known. So as a child, a young adult, and now an actual adult, my grandmother's struggle, her hurdles and her achievements have always been in my mind when my own lofty goals seemed out of reach. For that, I am eternally grateful.
So now what? Well, this whole experience has forced me to take a look at my life in a different way. I am constantly analyzing me and my choices, but through my own eyes as a 31 year old women. Now I look at my life through the eyes of me as an 79 year old woman, and I'm not sure I like what I see.
My favorite thing to do, in the world, is sit outside and read a book with my little dog. But on my deathbed, will I really want to reminisce about all the great books I've read? Probably not. I'm great at goal setting. I have a ten-year plan, a five-year plan, a one-year plan... and while I think these are important, there's something missing. I need to plan more fun. I moved to CA because I love the beach and I haven't been in months. I used to hike weekly and now almost never. I need a bucket list. In all my planning I focused solely on professional success and completely ignored life experience. I want and need more life experiences.
I understand that I may have to sacrifice some naps and I'm okay with that. I also understand that my irrational fear of almost everything may provide some hurdles, and I'm okay with that too. Because, without life's hurdles, we're all just running in circles anyway.
RIP Grandma <3 Disney
2.14.2013
V-day the Hypocracy
Saint Valentine is believed to be a Christian martyr who made his name popular by spreading Christianity and marrying soldiers, whom under the the Roman emperor Claudius II were not allowed to marry because he believed it made the soldiers weak. Valentine, on the other hand, believed this to be unjust and met secretly to wed the young (very young back then) lovers. Oh, and he healed a blind girl and left her a note before his execution which closed with, "Your Valentine."
Valentine was executed on February 14, 270AD for refusing to recognize Roman Gods. Since then, this day has been commercialized into the ultimate lover's day in the U.S. and all over the world.
Here's my beef:
The general public, and specifically Christians, celebrate this man for going against the government and performing illegal marriage ceremonies because he believed all were entitled to this sacred union. Yet, in this U.S. anyway, present day Christians consistently fight the government to ensure "all" are most definitely not entitled to this same union. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm referring to the gays.
This seems a bit hypocritical to me...
Ultimately this day was initially a day to celebrate "Christian love" and love for Christ, and has no real connection to what it is today.
Present day Valentine's Day can most easily be describes as a day of chocolate, flowers, and pressure, That's right: pressure.
If you're in a relationship you are required to not only recognize this special day, but show an abundance of love and appreciation for your partner, in the form of flowers and chocolate and flowers and more chocolate.
If you're not in a relationship you are required to gush over the love lives of your associates and feel insecure about your lack of partnership.
Fuck that.
I've spent many Valentine's Days in committed relationships and for the most part the day was not much different than the rest. Here's the thing - Disney needs adoration EVERY day. One day a year just isn't enough. Actually, it's borderline insulting to think we need an assigned day to show people how we feel about them Why not just be adults and express what we want, when we want?
I'll admit it's cute to watch the young ones choosing their "Valentine," but class rules require student bring a valentine for everyone so no one feels left out. I'll never forget my mother forcing me to give a valentine to the boy who, just a few days before, punched me in the stomach. Not to mention, promoting young love in elementary school may not be such a great idea now that middle-schoolers are making babies.
I'm sure this all comes off as a single-girl rant, but the truth is, this is my first single-girl Valentine's Day in a very very long time. I don't feel the least bit of pressure. I will go about my day as any other, and tonight I get to choose who shall be my Valentine. That's right, I still get to choose my Valentine, as in, it's not predetermined by relationship status.
In the end: Flowers die, chocolate makes you fat, and single girls have the options that the married girls envy. Yay, Valentine's Day!
Valentine was executed on February 14, 270AD for refusing to recognize Roman Gods. Since then, this day has been commercialized into the ultimate lover's day in the U.S. and all over the world.
Here's my beef:
The general public, and specifically Christians, celebrate this man for going against the government and performing illegal marriage ceremonies because he believed all were entitled to this sacred union. Yet, in this U.S. anyway, present day Christians consistently fight the government to ensure "all" are most definitely not entitled to this same union. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm referring to the gays.
This seems a bit hypocritical to me...
Ultimately this day was initially a day to celebrate "Christian love" and love for Christ, and has no real connection to what it is today.
Present day Valentine's Day can most easily be describes as a day of chocolate, flowers, and pressure, That's right: pressure.
If you're in a relationship you are required to not only recognize this special day, but show an abundance of love and appreciation for your partner, in the form of flowers and chocolate and flowers and more chocolate.
If you're not in a relationship you are required to gush over the love lives of your associates and feel insecure about your lack of partnership.
Fuck that.
I've spent many Valentine's Days in committed relationships and for the most part the day was not much different than the rest. Here's the thing - Disney needs adoration EVERY day. One day a year just isn't enough. Actually, it's borderline insulting to think we need an assigned day to show people how we feel about them Why not just be adults and express what we want, when we want?
I'll admit it's cute to watch the young ones choosing their "Valentine," but class rules require student bring a valentine for everyone so no one feels left out. I'll never forget my mother forcing me to give a valentine to the boy who, just a few days before, punched me in the stomach. Not to mention, promoting young love in elementary school may not be such a great idea now that middle-schoolers are making babies.
I'm sure this all comes off as a single-girl rant, but the truth is, this is my first single-girl Valentine's Day in a very very long time. I don't feel the least bit of pressure. I will go about my day as any other, and tonight I get to choose who shall be my Valentine. That's right, I still get to choose my Valentine, as in, it's not predetermined by relationship status.
In the end: Flowers die, chocolate makes you fat, and single girls have the options that the married girls envy. Yay, Valentine's Day!
2.06.2013
Sex Myths Revealed by Disney
I was sent this link the other day. It may be spam, but I found it quite interesting nonetheless. Most of these myths I've heard myself and some I've never heard before. Others are just disturbing.
THE TIMES OF INDIA (yes, really)
9 Most Ridiculous Sex Myths Of All Time[!]
#1 Size Matter
- Yes and no. I don't care much for the biological response in the article so I'll put it like this. Penises are like pie. You want more than a bite, but not the whole pie. I'd say there's a pretty good range of "acceptable" so most men shouldn't worry. But remember - too much is just as bad as not enough. I mean, we're not all porn stars.
#2 Love Food and Aphrodisiacs Will Get You "Tingly"
- As the author states, I have never been "aroused" by food. There are a variety of things that make me "tingly" but indigestion isn't one of them.
#3 Men Think More About Sex Than Women
- I like to think of this one as God's practical joke. As adolescents, the boys and their raging hormones just want to do it all the time. They tend to lack in... experience, so the girls don't get to see the super fun side of sex. Then, later in life, the female's hormones go rabid but by then the boys have new interests, like football and beer. And now, it's socially frowned upon to have casual sex with strangers, or minors, so the poor girls have to take matters into their own hands (pun); or they just start a blog.
#4 The Withdrawal Method Won't Get You Knocked Up
- Are there still people, that are not cast on 16 and Pregnant, that still believe this? I don't even trust a man to remember to put the seat down much less to remember to move during, arguably, the highlight his day.
#5 Women Don't Like Porn
- Well that's a blatant lie.
#6 You Won't Get Pregnant If You have Sex While Menstruating
- You'll just get dirty... Lets all take a moment to remember lil spermies are super tough guys. Some survive in labs for months and months, so it's reasonable to believe they can wait out a couple days.
#7 An Orgasm For Women Is Supposed To Be Earth Shattering
- Wait... this is NOT true? Wow. I'll keep my world "rockin'" thank-you-very-much. Having an orgasm without even knowing sounds like a horrible way to live.
#8 Every Woman Has A G Spot
- I have to agree with article in that hunting for steak when you have chicken on the table seems silly. Just eat, for goodness sake.
#9 If She Doesn't Make Pleasure Noises, She's Not Enjoying It
- "Some women are vocal and some women are not." True. But if she gives you the, "What-the-fuck-are-you-doing" look, maybe you should ask what she likes. Listen for "pleasure noises" but listen for pain too. And ladies - don't be afraid to lead the way. This is probably the only time a man is ready and willing to ask for directions.
THE TIMES OF INDIA (yes, really)
9 Most Ridiculous Sex Myths Of All Time[!]
#1 Size Matter
- Yes and no. I don't care much for the biological response in the article so I'll put it like this. Penises are like pie. You want more than a bite, but not the whole pie. I'd say there's a pretty good range of "acceptable" so most men shouldn't worry. But remember - too much is just as bad as not enough. I mean, we're not all porn stars.
#2 Love Food and Aphrodisiacs Will Get You "Tingly"
- As the author states, I have never been "aroused" by food. There are a variety of things that make me "tingly" but indigestion isn't one of them.
#3 Men Think More About Sex Than Women
- I like to think of this one as God's practical joke. As adolescents, the boys and their raging hormones just want to do it all the time. They tend to lack in... experience, so the girls don't get to see the super fun side of sex. Then, later in life, the female's hormones go rabid but by then the boys have new interests, like football and beer. And now, it's socially frowned upon to have casual sex with strangers, or minors, so the poor girls have to take matters into their own hands (pun); or they just start a blog.
#4 The Withdrawal Method Won't Get You Knocked Up
- Are there still people, that are not cast on 16 and Pregnant, that still believe this? I don't even trust a man to remember to put the seat down much less to remember to move during, arguably, the highlight his day.
#5 Women Don't Like Porn
- Well that's a blatant lie.
#6 You Won't Get Pregnant If You have Sex While Menstruating
- You'll just get dirty... Lets all take a moment to remember lil spermies are super tough guys. Some survive in labs for months and months, so it's reasonable to believe they can wait out a couple days.
#7 An Orgasm For Women Is Supposed To Be Earth Shattering
- Wait... this is NOT true? Wow. I'll keep my world "rockin'" thank-you-very-much. Having an orgasm without even knowing sounds like a horrible way to live.
#8 Every Woman Has A G Spot
- I have to agree with article in that hunting for steak when you have chicken on the table seems silly. Just eat, for goodness sake.
#9 If She Doesn't Make Pleasure Noises, She's Not Enjoying It
- "Some women are vocal and some women are not." True. But if she gives you the, "What-the-fuck-are-you-doing" look, maybe you should ask what she likes. Listen for "pleasure noises" but listen for pain too. And ladies - don't be afraid to lead the way. This is probably the only time a man is ready and willing to ask for directions.
1.22.2013
Sexting 101
Sexting: the act of sending sexual explicit messages or photographs primarily between mobile phones.
This new trend started a few years back. I thought it missed my generation, but apparently I was wrong. I guess the idea is that we are so busy throughout the day that we have to substitute sexting for actual intercourse in order to save time? Or maybe sexting is a way for the Christian kids to get off without going to hell... who knows. Chances are you've done it. If you haven't, give it a go. It doesn't hurt, I promise. If you do it all the time - stop. Go get yourself a real girlfriend for goodness sake.
Sexting, like everything fun in life, has rules.
Rule #1 - KNOW who you're sending your own pics to. Unless you really want to see your best feature on Tumbler, you want to make sure the other party isn't going to mass-text your goods to his friends. Or your parents.
Rule#2 - Be honest. If you're going to send a copied pic make that clear. It's false advertising if you don't.
Rule #3 - Include an introduction. I know it seems erotic to receive that surprise picture package (pun) mid-day, but it's less erotic when you're, say, in a meeting, or at lunch with your mom. Make sure your partner knows the next text is NSFW.
Rule #4 - Keep it classy. I'm sure there are those that like the close-up, fluidy, ick-I-can't-think-of-another-adjective, but that's something you should really work up to. Start simple.
Rule #5 - One at a time. What? Where's the fun in that? I know, I know, the idea of (electronically) banging two chicks at once is an easy sell. But it takes far more focus than you'd imagine. It's very easy to get caught up in the moment and mix up the ladies. Then... you've got two very pissed off ladies. Don't you watch S&TC? Girls may not expect monogamous sexting but they prefer to assume it.
Rule #6 - Be monogamous with your sexting. If you're going to be sexting all over town, at least disclose that. No one likes a cyber-slut.
Rule #7 - It's still cheating. Sorry. If you have a real-life partner and you're sexting another it's a breach in loyalty and trust and she/he should kick you to the curb.
Rule #8 - Double check the recipient box. Your dad does not want to get a picture of your adult pecker. No, not even if you take after him.
Rule #9 - Get verbal. You may not be much of a talker in the bedroom, but sexting can get pretty bland without the use of adjectives. Yep - you can even say the bad words.
Rule #10 - Privacy is paramount. In all honesty, if someone choses to partake in this rainy-day activity with you they're doing so because they trust that the conversation and visuals will remain between the two of you. Keep it that way. If the sexting goes public you will lose your partner and none of her friends will want to play either. Not to mention, a spiteful one may go viral with your own image and grandma may see more of her little man than she'd like. Or worse: the whole school sees YOUR little man and you really will not get laid 'till college.
Good luck!
This new trend started a few years back. I thought it missed my generation, but apparently I was wrong. I guess the idea is that we are so busy throughout the day that we have to substitute sexting for actual intercourse in order to save time? Or maybe sexting is a way for the Christian kids to get off without going to hell... who knows. Chances are you've done it. If you haven't, give it a go. It doesn't hurt, I promise. If you do it all the time - stop. Go get yourself a real girlfriend for goodness sake.
Sexting, like everything fun in life, has rules.
Rule #1 - KNOW who you're sending your own pics to. Unless you really want to see your best feature on Tumbler, you want to make sure the other party isn't going to mass-text your goods to his friends. Or your parents.
Rule#2 - Be honest. If you're going to send a copied pic make that clear. It's false advertising if you don't.
Rule #3 - Include an introduction. I know it seems erotic to receive that surprise picture package (pun) mid-day, but it's less erotic when you're, say, in a meeting, or at lunch with your mom. Make sure your partner knows the next text is NSFW.
Rule #4 - Keep it classy. I'm sure there are those that like the close-up, fluidy, ick-I-can't-think-of-another-adjective, but that's something you should really work up to. Start simple.
Rule #5 - One at a time. What? Where's the fun in that? I know, I know, the idea of (electronically) banging two chicks at once is an easy sell. But it takes far more focus than you'd imagine. It's very easy to get caught up in the moment and mix up the ladies. Then... you've got two very pissed off ladies. Don't you watch S&TC? Girls may not expect monogamous sexting but they prefer to assume it.
Rule #6 - Be monogamous with your sexting. If you're going to be sexting all over town, at least disclose that. No one likes a cyber-slut.
Rule #7 - It's still cheating. Sorry. If you have a real-life partner and you're sexting another it's a breach in loyalty and trust and she/he should kick you to the curb.
Rule #8 - Double check the recipient box. Your dad does not want to get a picture of your adult pecker. No, not even if you take after him.
Rule #9 - Get verbal. You may not be much of a talker in the bedroom, but sexting can get pretty bland without the use of adjectives. Yep - you can even say the bad words.
Rule #10 - Privacy is paramount. In all honesty, if someone choses to partake in this rainy-day activity with you they're doing so because they trust that the conversation and visuals will remain between the two of you. Keep it that way. If the sexting goes public you will lose your partner and none of her friends will want to play either. Not to mention, a spiteful one may go viral with your own image and grandma may see more of her little man than she'd like. Or worse: the whole school sees YOUR little man and you really will not get laid 'till college.
Good luck!
Dealbreakers
When I first started this blog I was newly single and ready to take on the world. I had high hopes and vowed that I would open my mind to new and exciting individuals. Now - not so much. I've realized there are a few things I just cannot seem to get past no matter how hard I try. That may sound like I'm judgmental but I believe I have realistic reasons for these judgments. Note that these are MY dealbreakers and should not be considered standard. You should, however, have your own set in place. It's okay to be picky when it's your life.
1. Face tattoos. We've already discussed this. Still a problem. I have a professional career and I can't see myself claiming a man, in public and in front of colleagues, with inked tears on his face. Sorry.
2. Unemployed. I know the economy is bad right now. But here's the thing... if you're unemployed, you should probably be focusing on finding employment rather than focusing on me. And I require a great deal of focus.
3. Kids. I like kids. I'd even like to have a couple someday... but not today. I'm not mature enough to have children right now. Clearly, a person with children probably is. And that's great. Just not for me.
4. To be continued...
1. Face tattoos. We've already discussed this. Still a problem. I have a professional career and I can't see myself claiming a man, in public and in front of colleagues, with inked tears on his face. Sorry.
2. Unemployed. I know the economy is bad right now. But here's the thing... if you're unemployed, you should probably be focusing on finding employment rather than focusing on me. And I require a great deal of focus.
3. Kids. I like kids. I'd even like to have a couple someday... but not today. I'm not mature enough to have children right now. Clearly, a person with children probably is. And that's great. Just not for me.
4. To be continued...
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